God with a Capital G

Recently I met someone funny and nice and cute and because I am who I am, I immediately stalked him on social media. Specifically, Facebook. And I scrolled through his timeline… scrolling… scrolling… hold up, who’s this girl… click… scroll… oh a friend… back… back… hope she’s just a friend… scrolling… scrolling… blog post huh… scrolling… scrolling…

Hold up.

Blog post. Specifically, his blog post, one that he wrote. And now I’m interested. Because what and how someone writes is a great indicator of the person that they are. And I want to know who this guy is. I didn’t find what I expected. Honestly, I didn’t know what to expect. And what I got was a blog, an honest blog, about his struggles as a God-loving Christian. And I haven’t written on the topic of the big G. But here it was, a well-written, well-formatted post on his relationship with the man up top.

Here’s where I started to lose hope. As I read through his blog, going through all the recent posts, I realized that now I did have a better grasp of this guy. And what I found made me realize that he and I are never going to get together.

Here’s why.

He is on his journey to become closer to God, to really drill into the foundation of his faith and ensure that it’s strong enough to build a temple worthy of God upon. Me? I’m digging a hole for myself in an empty field, unsure of how I got here, so far away from the temples whose foundations kept me from digging too deep a hole for myself. Now, without that support, my hole just keeps growing deeper and larger and whether I plan on building a foundation from it or just dig straight into Hell has yet to be determined.

What he needs is someone who has build their foundation. Someone who already knows what they believe and where their faith stands. Someone who he can rely on during his journey to encourage him and to guide him further towards God, not away. And I fear that I would only lead him away.

I want to be that girl. I want to know what I believe. I want to trust in God. I want to be able to proudly declare my allegiance to Him, the almighty King. I want to have faith in His plan and that He knows what’s best for me.

But I’m not her. I don’t know what I believe. I know there’s something out there and I want more than anything for that something to be God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit who loves me and is always waiting for me no matter how hard I mess up.

I want to trust in God, but with everything that’s been happening, it’s just so difficult to trust in a God that’s allowing all this pain.

His plan is supposed to be for the best in the end because He knows best. He is our God, our Savior and He is omnipotent. He knows us better than we know ourselves. I am just so fearful of handing over my entire life to something I can’t see and I’m not 100% sure is there or is there for my benefit.

And then it struck me. A boy, a boy is the reason why I am examining my faith so deeply for the first time in a long while. And this revelation stunned me. I felt that I had disappointed myself. My faith should not be based on a person but based on my relationship with God himself. Yet, after this feeling of disappointment in myself, I realized that maybe this is precisely what God intended. Perhaps He brought this guy into my life in this way and presented me with these ideas because He knows me and He knows what I’ll do before I do. And that He knew it doesn’t matter how I came back to Him, just that I do and that if I keep pursuing Him, that that’s what matters.

Do the ends justify the means? Maybe, maybe not. But God knows the end and He orchestrates the means and maybe all we are required to do, is trust.

And trust I will.

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