just ricki

I'm still figuring it out…

i have no self-control

it’s been forever since i last posted but fuck that nobody reads this anyways. so i recently moved to texas for college and i’m thousands of miles away from any of my friends and i miss everyone to death. just one hour away are a couple of friends i met over the summer a year or two back and we remained good friends and in contact. i hit them up, get them to drive down and pick me up to spend the weekend at one of their houses. so these friends, are awesome and frankly, my only current connection back to my old city. i spend the weekend at jon’s house and it’s all cool and shit until saturday night.

lemme give you some background here. the summer that i met them, i had a thing for one of the dudes, michael. he was attractive, older (only a couple years), and fun as hell. what i didn’t know was that he had a thing going on with the other girl, laurel. it was honestly just a silly schoolgirl crush and wasn’t a big deal, even when i found out afterwards that they were a thing. i brushed it off, went on with my life, fell in like with 3 other guys at my school the following year. fast forward to now.

im a very touchy person. my love language is 100% touch because i love hugs and cuddling and it really doesn’t matter if i like the guy, i just want the physicality of it. but like going to a school where the “christian side hug” was a legit thing didnt help my cravings. anyways, michael is also a very physical being and he was touchy as well. so one saturday while watching a movie, when he sat really close to me on the couch, it didn’t seem suspect or anything. i mean, i was happy as heck because he couldve chosen to sit next to me or laurel and he chose me:)) at least in my mind thats the way it worked. anywayyyys somehow, through the movie, we ended up holding hands. it was nice, i liked it, i freaked out a little (a lot) afterwards to my friends, ended up deciding it was nothing, and moved on. that was 3 saturdays ago.

last night i hung out with them again and michael and i got close again. this time, really close. i don’t know his thought process but this time, when he sat down, he put his hand on my thigh, extremely high to the point where i was uncomfortable but he moved it after a quick while to more of my knee area. that was fine and then as it got later, he got touchier and more grabby. i can’t say it like that, it makes him sound demanding and rude, but he wasn’t. and i never gave him any indication that i was against it. now laurel had work this weekend and wasn’t available but i was still staying at jon’s house. jon went to bed earlier at around 1-something am. michael and i stayed up to watch more netflix and that’s when he sort of twisted and lightly pushed me down so we were spooning, facing the tv. his arms went around and hugged me and stayed there. his left arm curled around my ribs and squeezed lightly. at one point, he turns me so im facing him. and we’re there hugging on the couch, tv completely ignored now. we’re like that for a while, i felt him breathing into my neck and his hand lightly tracing my arm. up and down, up and down, a soothing gesture. but not that soothing? because he lightly pushes away and looks down at me asking if im okay. apparently i was breathing really fast, but i didnt mention that he was breathing really deeply. i replied in the affirmative and he squeezed me closer to him. his hand tracing my arm trails down and starts tracing my thigh. eventually, he lightly touches, not even grabs, my butt and trailing down to my knee, pulls my leg over him.

there we are. faces in necks, breathing in sync, legs tangled up, arms locked around the other’s body. we kissed. he asked if i was okay. i wasnt? that was my first kiss. i said yes. being the sweet friend he is, he asked again. that short momentary pause cleared my head just enough for me to say that we should go to sleep as it was really late then.

i went to the bathroom to hide for a bit. i could hear him getting his things outside. my ear pressed against the door, i wanted to wait until he was gone but i knew that would be the coward’s way out and so i turned the knob and walked out. reminding myself in my head to stay calm. he asked again to make sure i was okay.

i didnt realize how easy it was for me to fake a smile until that moment in time because i honestly just wanted him to leave but at the same time i wanted him to hold me and never let go because i realized then how much it felt like i was breaking inside.

my desperation for human contact doubled with missing my friends and being in a completely new and different environment led me to make choices i otherwise wouldnt be proud of. but i smiled at him anyways. i nodded and told him i was perfectly fine, thanks for asking, michael. he gave me a hug and it took everything in me to not grip him so tight and stop him from leaving. but he did. and i retreated to the bathroom again. i cried, silent hiccups that wracked my body. tears ran down my face and neck, painting my body with physical proof of what i had just let happen.

i know for some that this is child’s play, this is nothing. but for me, i had never done anything remotely close to this. it was the most physically intimate i had ever been with anyone in my life. for me, this was one of the most significant instances in my life where i truly learned more about myself than any other time. and i didnt like what i learned.

shit. sorry this got depressing. anyways, seeya next time i have ricki-shattering news, or i just need someone to talk to and i cant tell my friends.

peace out






fuck dreaming, why cant i sleep peacefully?

last night i had a dream about a classmate of mine, ethan. and in this dream, well, its hard to explain, a lot of weird shit went down. i remember we were on bunk beds and listening to music and we were on some sort of trip or something with our families. at least, i remember my family being there. i think the dream was ‘inspired’ or whatever by a trip i took last week with my family and some family friends. then i remember ethan turning around and when i think about it now, i know that that wasnt his face but in the dream i thought it was. you know when youre having a dream about someone and even though the person doesnt look like who youre dreaming about you just know its them? let me give you an example.

so imagine youre dreaming about ryan reynolds but in the dream, the person you see is your chemistry teacher yet when you wake up, you know you were dreaming about ryan reynolds. it just so happened that your brain put your chem teachers face to ryan reynolds person.

thats essentially what happened. so anyways in the dream ethan and i kind of become a thing. thing is, i have a problem where i continue the feelings in my dream, in my day life. so because of this dream, i get ‘residue feelings’ for ethan. now this wouldnt be a problem usually but i had a six hour shift and i worked with ethan and in the morning, it was just the two of us. so then im stuck with him for 2 hours, feeling the ‘residue’, knowing it was shit and i didnt actually like him, but still having my heart beat like a gazelle every time he spoke to me. holy shit. then later that night after i got home, he calls me and asks if im busy monday night. so there i am, freaking the fuck out, wondering if he was going to ask me out or shit and he asks me to cover his shift for him because he hurt his finger playing volleyball. im still running on the fucking residue and my mouth decides to say yes before my brain can even blink. i invent ways to get off work early and here i am, covering for someone? sure im earning money but my mom gives me pocket money, i have no use for extra money. i just wanted to do something semi productive this summer. shit.

ugh. fucking dreams.

gravity of infinity…

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